Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wolf Child

Opening screens:

I'm terrified. The credits are still rolling and I'm literally shitting all over myself. This is going to be great! Am I rediscovering a classic?!

Wait. Oh, wow ... okay, well I was pumped, but this
seems to have moved away from the realm of "awesome:"

to somewhere much closer to "gay:"

in less than 3 seconds. Jesus.


Stage 1: Wolf Ship

What the hell is going on?! Could somebody fill me in as to why I'm punching people off my airship?

Regardless, I do as I'm obviously supposed to (keep punching - you don't get points for what you aren't supposed to do!), and all of a sudden


I'M AN EFFING WOLF PERSON! Things are starting to look really awesome! So, as a wolf person, my special abilities should include some kind of throat-disconnecting / overall-necessary-organ-removal, right? No? I punch out fire balls? Okay. I hate my life.

After a bit more running and punching, I come across TWO BOSSES. The hardest part about both of them is the Wolf Child's total lack of agility ... other wise what's difficult about memorizing a set pattern (up-top, in-the-middle, down-low) and getting behind the boss, which seems to be both their Achilles' heels, respectively?

Nothing. There is nothing hard about that. O_O

Stage 2: Dense Jungle

I was going to write about how stupidly easy this level was, too; however, I've just gotten to see the Game Over screen for the second time since beginning this stage, and now I must start over on the "Wolf Shit" - urp! I mean, "Wolf Shit," which is something I am not willing to do.

New game, please.




Okay, fine. I played some more. Really, it's only because I like the pain. Anyway, the second time went swimmingly ... I beat the whole level without dying once! Well, maybe once. Can't be certain because of all the drugs!

But then came the boss battle, which went something like this:

Stage 3: Ancient Temple

So, the entire time I've been playing this game, I've been hearing the Wolf Child cry to me, "I wish I was 'Super Ghouls and Ghosts' or 'Castlevania'!" Now, he says, "Ef it! I wanna be Sonic!" as he travels through a level that is nothing more than Marble Whatever Zone from the first game, covered in insects. As if Beelzebub came to the developers in their sleep and vomited all over their dreams.

(Quick Question: This Wolf Child is obviously pretty incredible: he's all muscular, he punches people in the groin 'til they die,

he turns into a wolf person, etc., etc. So why is it that Wolf Child cannot punch upward? I can do none of the above things, yet I can punch upward. There needs to be a video game hero training academy, and Day 2: Lesson 1: Punching Upward needs to be on the itinerary. I think.)

Once weve defeated the boss, which involved Wolf-Child-punching a series of tragically ugly spider/people in the stomach, it's off to

Stage 4: Chimera Base

... where I died and was unable to continue. This time, I refuse to persevere!